I’ve finally come to the realization that I’m not crazy, I’m just hormonal. I’m sure a few might argue that though. And by all means, I’m not trying to make light of mental illness with this post. I, like many, have a family history of mental illness. And while I may have been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety, I honestly think that diagnosis was dispensed to me like a piece of candy out of Pez dispenser. Way too easily.
Maybe the doctor was right.
Maybe I’m just managing my depression well, now. There was a time when I thought they really knew what they were talking about and I was a complete nut case.
I started a blog many years ago that highlighted my “insanity”. Those were some pretty dark days. You might still be able to find it online somewhere. Back then, I was dealing with some major stressful life events. I had a teenage daughter. I think that’s all I really need to say to qualify for major stressful life, right? In addition to that, my hubby had to work several states away, so everything piled together was beyond what I could handle. I believe that was about the time I wound up at Urgent Care thinking I was having a heart attack. Because I was alone and depressed, I wasn’t doing anything on a regular schedule. I wasn’t eating right, I wasn’t sleeping regularly, and well, bathing happened, just not on a regular basis.
At the time, I thought I was completely bipolar.
One minute I was dancing around the house, the next minute I was having these yelling matches with myself so loud that even the neighbors could hear. It took every ounce of energy I had to clean myself up and leave the house every day. I couldn’t tell whether I was dealing with manic depression or I was really hormonal. Most times, I just wanted to stay in bed, hiding under my blankets, hoping I’d fall asleep and never awaken. Yea, those were some pretty dark days.
These days, things are good on the home front.
Hubby’s home and my daughter’s an adult now and has moved out. We get along way better this way. I still experience the “crazy” days, though. Except now I can really pinpoint when they’re about to happen; about a few days to a week before my period. At this point, if you’re a woman reading this, you’re likely nodding your head, thinking, “Oh yea, I totally know where she’s headed with this.”
Here’s the mental cycle of my menstrual cycle, if I were to journal about it:
Day 25-28: (pre-period) I’m so bitchy. I don’t give one single fuck, no matter who you are. My clients can detect how short I am with my words. No small talk. Let’s just get to the business at hand. I have no patience and no tolerance for bullshit. So basically, don’t come at me.
Day 1-2: I’m a whiny, needy child-like woman. Please don’t ask me to move, or do anything. But DO take care of me, and by “take care of me” I mean, feed me, hold me, but don’t you dare mention anything regarding my period unless, you’re a woman. Because women understand.
Day 3: Today, I feel like superwoman. I’m invincible! I’m raw and emotional. I feel bold and independent!
Day 4: Today, I can’t stand my husband. I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to do shit for him. I go through the whole gamut of “why did I even marry him??”, “I don’t need him!” and all those horrible mean things I want to say out loud, but am at least sane enough to know aren’t true.
Day 5: I’m writing this blog post today. Today, I love my husband again. I actually was out in the kitchen this morning and heard him shuffle about in the bedroom so I ran into the bedroom to give him a big old hug and tell him I love him, but he went into the bathroom. I never follow a man into the bathroom, do you?
Day 6-7: So tomorrow will begin day 6. Since, I’ve noticed this pattern for a few months now, I can tell you what day 6-7 will be like. They’re like a magnified Day 5 or 5² with a twist of frustration. Basically, I love my husband again (good), and if he doesn’t do anything too horrific, he might actually get lucky (good), except I’m still on my period (bad, very, very BAD). Basically, from day 6-7, I’ll be frisky. Some use the term ‘horny’, but I find ‘frisky’ is more lady-like. Call it what you want.
So the point to me giving you the mental cycle of my menstrual cycle is this:
If you think you’re “crazy”, even if you’ve been diagnosed with depression or anxiety (and that diagnosis doesn’t mean you’re crazy. I’m using the term “crazy” loosely.) I would encourage you to start a journal. Map out your mood swings, and see if there’s a connection to your cycle and the hormonal changes that occur. I’ve discovered that this awareness has helped me many times, like when I get the urge to crawl into bed and cry or throw my husband’s belongings out the front door.
The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. – Nathaniel Branden
Now that I recognize these hormonal changes during my cycle, I make the most of them. Sometimes these mood swings launch me out of my comfort zone (How I fell in love with my vagina was written on day 3) and if you happen to be an introvert like me, one might say I had balls. On the contrary. I have a vagina! Knowing what you’re experiencing is half the battle. Accept that this is part of what it means to be a woman. It’s what makes us feisty, unpredictable and on fire!
So make your vagina and all the hormonal changes that come with it work for you.
Make them your bitch!
I hope you enjoyed this post. If you do, please let me know in the comments below. Feel free to share it with others. 🙂
Elle Catalan
Certified Wellness and Nutrition Coach
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